About 30 years ago I saw a wonderful, quirky movie called Choose Me, starring Keith Carradine and Genevieve Bujold. At the time I was 35 years old and in search of someone who would "choose" me, and that was true for many of my friends as well. We were all in the perpetual cycle of searching, having high hopes and having our hopes dashed after a tempestuous two or three months. That was the norm, rather than the exception. We were all so eager to be in relationships that we ignored potential consequences until it was too late. "Choose me, please, and things will work out," was the plaint.
If there was one thing that I learned during the ups and downs of the 1980's--something that I rely on to this day--it's that you choose what you deserve and you deserve what you choose. I think you can apply that adage to any part of your life that is obtainable and controllable through free will. There are things you can't control completely--your health, accidents, natural disasters, chance meetings, the behavior of others. But you can control most of the things in your life. If you believe in free will, as I do, then your life comes down to a complex, interconnecting series of choices.
We lose sight of the fact that we are constantly making choices. We choose our activities, responsibilities, diets, friendships, associations and commitments. Sometimes our choices are informed and intentional, but all too often they are automatic, careless, and uninformed. What if we gave each choice the same attention and importance as every other choice?
You Choose What You Deserve
The thing about free will is that we often don't use it wisely. I'm talking about adults here, not kids. I'm convinced that the primary jobs of parents are to keep their kids safe and to bring them to the point where the kids can make their own responsible choices. Part of that process is showing the kids that all choices have consequences--and that usually good choices lead to good consequences. That's the tricky part, because sometimes good choices can lead to bad consequences.
When I make a choice and it leads to a not-so-good consequence, I look at why I made that choice. Did I willfully make the choice or give in to what was easy or expected of me? Did I actually think about it, or was the choice automatic and uninformed?
For me, the best process for making choices is to willfully choose what I think I deserve, and I consider the probable consequences in that process--do I deserve those consequences? This is usually a very quick process, maybe a few seconds, but if the consequences can be really significant, I'll spend more time thinking about them.
There are two important distinctions to make about this process. First, all people make choices based on their own personal values of "right" and "wrong," and values are constantly being refined and redefined. During difficult "choosing" processes, I will often ask myself, "Okay, what's the right thing to do, and why is it right?" Second, very often our choices affect other people, but I still consider choices based on my own consequences. That's how we all do it. If I make a choice that potentially hurts someone else, how will that affect me? When I look at how consequences will affect me, and if I live by a clear set of "right" and "wrong" values, then I'm confident in my choices.
So, think about that for a minute. Do you consciously make choices based on what you deserve? One thing I love about my wife, Suzanne, is that she has worked on choosing what she deserves in life. When we met in 1998, she was mired in a terrible job and work environment, and I asked her whether she thought she deserved that. Was she choosing the job she deserved? When she contemplated that, she decided to quit her job (regardless of her economic situation) and go after what she deserved. Ever since then she has chosen good jobs, and she deserves all of the good things that have come from them.
Of course, many people can't afford to make those types of changes quickly, and I appreciate that. A person often can't leave a job or a relationship just because it's less than they deserve. But my point is that when you make a change in your life, part of the decision should include choosing what you think you deserve.
You Deserve What You Choose
I knew a woman who always complained about things that happened to her, and then she complained that she had an unsuccessful, unfulfilled life. Having been taught to complain by my mother, who was a top-rate complainer, I developed a sensitive radar for others who complain. I still fight the tendency to complain about things, but I've developed the personal philosophy that I pretty much deserve what I choose. That usually does the trick, and I shut up (except to my wife, who is endlessly tolerant).
What I've noticed about people who frequently complain is that they let life come to them; they don't go after life. I hear things like, "Oh, if it's meant to happen, it will happen," or "Well, something better will come along." I want to shout at them that they're letting life steer them, that they should be in the driver's seat of their own life.
I was taught to steer my own life by one very pivotal episode in the 1980's. Skiing one day with my good friend, Chet Ratliff, I was struggling down an intermediate slope, and he was skiing next to me in his beautiful, fluid fashion. We were alone on the hill, and I heard him say softly, distinctly, "Ski the hill; don't let the hill ski you." That was my Zen moment. I became a better skier by going after the hill; I became a better person by going after life.
Once again I want to stress that one cannot always control the course of life. Stuff happens that prevents you from getting the job or relationship you really wanted. You can only put in so much good effort and wise consideration on a decision, and your health can always throw you for a loop that minimizes your choices. We can't always choose for something to happen and then see our choice realized. But we do have a lot of power to do things for ourselves, and we deserve the consequences if we do little or nothing to "make life happen."
I was very impressed by how Suzanne approached finding her current job, when she was laid off from her previous job two years ago. She didn't get the first good job that came along, so she redoubled her efforts. She saw finding a job as an 8-hour-a-day "job" by itself, whether she was taking classes, networking with people, sending out resumes, or updating her LinkedIn page. Still, with her incredible effort, it took her four months to find that new job. It may have taken a lot longer had she had the "whatever's meant to happen" attitude.
And Finally....
The "You Choose What You Deserve and Deserve What You Choose" philosophy not only applies to individuals, but to groups, states and countries as well.
I look at the number of gun-related deaths in this country. It isn't something that just "happens," because it doesn't just happen in other civilized countries. We, as a country, choose that path by letting the gun lobby control our culture, much the same way I once let the steepness of a hill control my skiing. The analogy could go much further, such as comparing our frequent mass murders with my frequent ski crashes, but you get the point. As a country, we deserve the consequences of our choices. Other countries have decided they don't need that carnage in their cultures, so they have chosen much stronger gun laws, among other solutions. When we, as a country, decide that we don't deserve so many gun deaths, we will choose what we do deserve.
In the meantime, with each choice you make, start to consider whether it's something you deserve, because you choose what you deserve and then you deserve what you choose.
